By Chukwuneta Oby
A lady’s message to me read: “The average Igbo man does not believe that a woman over 50 years of age deserves to either remarry or have a relationship. Those that come my way are people who see what I can do for them.”
The lady in question is divorced, in her late fifties. And she is Igbo.
I believe she came to this conclusion because of a behavioural pattern that she has experienced with some Igbo men.
One of the relationship requests that I received sometime back came from a man who told me that he is in his early sixties, based overseas and divorced from his Nigerian wife. He has three children.
He told me that he was seeking to remarry, but he ruled out women with his kind of baggage… a previous marriage.
He asked to be introduced only to a single mother with not more than one child or a widow with not more than two children.
Another request came from a 58-year-old man who is divorced with five children.
In my response to him, I asked, “Do you mind a 42-year-old lady, divorced with one child?” And his response came in capital letters: “I MIND.”
I nodded to myself.
He probably got tired of waiting for options in the age bracket and marital status he specified and stopped communicating.
Ladies in the age bracket he preferred want someone far younger with no baggage.
These men are Igbos. But this is how I prefer to see this issue.
I have observed some divorced Igbo men, and what I can say is that they have a mental condition that is highly judgmental of the self.
A mind that doesn’t know how to give grace to the self will always withhold grace from others.
My matchmaking adventure has opened my eyes to a lot of relationship biases amongst Igbo men.
Many of them are hugely biased against these categories of women… single mothers, divorced women and widows. Even when they themselves are in a similar marital reality.
The average Igbo man can show a bit of sympathy towards a widow, but the other categories are either “ashawo” or those that a bad character has chased out of a man’s house.
Such mindsets do not even spare ladies who are within a certain age bracket and still unmarried, because they never factor in the myriads of realities that could end a marriage, including an impossible attitude from the man.
At least, the tales of infidelity and the likes happening in marriages are enough testament to the fact that not every woman in marriage is virtuous, and not all divorced women became unmarried due to “bad character”.
We also need to listen to the stories of how some women ended up as single mothers to understand the unfairness of certain reasoning towards them.
Ladies who have interacted with me on matters of the heart know my stance on these issues.
You must not marry from your tribe. He does not even have to be Nigerian or African!
Love is love, regardless of where it’s coming to you from.
I have never seen a woman, no matter her age, who does not have a man (or more) who is interested in her. The problem is that oftentimes… people don’t want those who want them, and those they want are seldom available.
In my book, the loneliness that’s smothering some people is avoidable.
Why would a woman who lives overseas wait for a Nigerian suitor to get the ring or find love?
Why are women not letting their environment take care of their emotional needs?
How can you be in a place like Lagos as a single Igbo lady, for example, and you have not allowed one Olajide or Olaniyi to come close?
Sometimes, it is not love that is not there, but a mind that needs to be open enough to recognise, accept and cherish it, wherever it’s coming from!
Who says a man from your tribe must be your love/marital destiny as a lady?
I understand the place of cultural alignment in marriage, but consider this…
Marriage anywhere is challenging!
Most of the marriages that are packing up are happening to people who married someone from their tribe, community and religion.
I would rather be that woman who has raised a family with a man who is not from my tribe, nation or race since my 30s than a 45-year-old lady who is still waiting for a suitor from my part of the world.
Women need to come to these realisations too.
Love can happen without the ring.
Love can come from where you didn’t prefer it to come from.
You can live the rest of your life without the Mrs title and still have a joyful life.
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