By Chinwe Enyinna
One afternoon at D’ Survivor Hub, a young mentee asked me what I thought about her delaying marriage to pursue her master’s degree abroad. I replied, “Well, I think education and personal growth are investments that no one can ever take away from you. It gives you the financial security to make confident life choices.” She then asked what I had to say about her family, who were constantly warning her that too much education would scare off potential suitors. I said, “A man intimidated by your progress is not the right partner for you anyway.” Her immediate, exhausted reply was, “That sounds nice in theory, Aunty Chinwe. But you know our society. It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have; if you aren’t married by thirty, people look at you with pity, like your life is incomplete.” I had to agree with her on the reality of that pressure.
Being born a girl in many Nigerian households comes with a predetermined timeline. As a girl reaches her twenties, her academic and professional achievements are often overshadowed by the looming question of when she will “settle down.”
Some families set a strict deadline, insisting that a woman must be married in her mid-twenties, while for others, the pressure begins shockingly early. Current data shows that Nigeria still has some of the highest numbers of child brides globally, with millions of girls married before they even turn eighteen. In many rural communities, girls don’t even get a chance to complete their education because they are married off early to sustain their families financially.
When a Nigerian woman crosses her mid-twenties, she is suddenly deemed “old enough” and rushed into finding a partner. Parents and relatives consider it a primary duty to see her married off, often investing heavily in wedding preparations while treating single, divorced, or childless women as societal anomalies. Because of this, women are conditioned to believe that no matter how driven or talented they are, their ultimate destination is a marital home.
“Your worth is not defined by whether someone chooses you; it is defined by who you are.” — Chinwe Enyinna
Suffering in Silence – A Societal Evil
Because of this immense pressure, the compromises Nigerian women make are devastating. Terrified of the labels society assigns to single or divorced women, many suppress their intuition and remain in highly toxic relationships. They sacrifice their dreams, careers, and mental health because they have been taught that “endurance” is the hallmark of a good wife. The reality of this endurance is incredibly grim. National demographic surveys and UN data consistently reveal that nearly one in three Nigerian women has experienced physical or sexual violence, overwhelmingly at the hands of an intimate partner.
When women prioritise marriage above their personal development and financial independence, they often find themselves trapped in abusive situations without the means to walk away. This is further sustained by a tragic culture of silence and glaring systemic failures.
Nigeria: One in three women face gender-based violence. The reality of domestic abuse in Nigeria remains a shadow pandemic, with nearly a third of women experiencing intimate partner violence.
Justice system fails survivors of domestic abuse: Recent reports highlight a staggering culture of impunity, noting that only a minuscule fraction of reported domestic violence cases ever result in prosecution.
Blooming From the Thorns
Not only dreams and careers, but lives end because of this pressure. These stigmas and systemic failures contribute to the dangerous way marriage is viewed in Nigeria as a rescue mission rather than a partnership. Parents must stop raising girls solely to be wives and start raising them to be confident, educated, and purpose-driven. We need to normalise discussions around emotional intelligence and financial independence for women, while equally teaching boys about positive masculinity and fundamental respect.
Society must step up with compassion instead of judgment when a woman chooses her peace over a toxic environment. We must stop pressuring women back into harmful situations just to save face. Rushing through or forcing an event as critical as marriage, just to appease societal timelines, ends in uncalled-for trauma.
This article was inspired by the daily conversations I have with survivors and mentees, and echoes the themes of rebirth and healing in my new book, My Garden of Thorny Roses.
Those in distress or facing intimate partner violence can reach out to D’ Survivor Hub Nigeria or local domestic abuse helplines for immediate support and a safe space.
• Chinwe Enyinna is a Gender Equality and GBV Advocate and the Founder of D’ Survivor Hub Nigeria. She is the author of
new book, “My Garden of Thorny Roses.”
In this article