By Eriye Onagoruwa
“My dear brother, it’s been a minute. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a long while. How are you doing? These are interesting times in this country.”
“Hmmmm… I’m ok. I kept saying I’d check up on you as well. I just got back from London. I needed to go and clear my head.”
“Ah… clear your head in London ke? Are you a delegate? Abi you joined and you didn’t tell me ni?”
“I thought I mentioned. We really have a lot to catch up on. I am a delegate and was fortunate enough to be part of the primaries in Abuja.”
“But how does one become a delegate though? So are you one of those who collected dollars?” because that’s the only explanation you can give to enter London and clear your head.”
“It’s a lot of work my brother. This delegate issue. People just seat behind their keyboards and type all sorts of unfounded stories. We were given dollars but nobody talks about the work we put in, the sacrifices we made, the long hours of strategy and risk analysis. My brother-it wasn’t easy at all. Let’s just thank God we are part of the process of building a new Nigeria.”
“I will be thanking God like you if I collected dollars. This new Nigeria- are you aware of the Obidient movement? People are saying we must vote outside the established norm and vote for a new beginning. Vote for Peter Obi.” It is also gaining a lot of traction and visibility. What’s your take on it?”
“My dear… Nigerian politics is not for people with only two kidneys, one heart and one liver. You need to add a lion heart, elephant torso and other revered animals to complement what you have. What can I say? But I understand someone wrote somewhere that Peter Obi cannot be president because he does not have any structure.”
“You didn’t see the response to that? I understand one serving Governor said the man was speaking from a place of love and matters in the other room and not structure. He said someone that has six wives cannot really think straight. The part I wasn’t sure of was if the wives were from each of the geo-political regions in the country.”
“Be careful of your utterances my friend. If not, you will spend the remaining dollars in jail. You know you kuku look like someone jail fits. They will just handcuff you and that your big head will just be growing bigger and your small body getting smaller. They will just use you as an African case study on the debilitating effects of kwashiorkor on the human body. Nobody will know its because you opened your mouth and talked about what didn’t concern you. Abi do you know any of the six wives in question?”
“That governor is an example of if you come, you collect gbas gbos and some more gbas.”
“But you still didn’t answer-what do you think about this Obidient movement? Who’s your candidate?”
“You know, as a delegate there are matters we can’t speak about in public. And also, you don’t talk while eating. It is considered bad manners. I will be in a position to speak about these issues very soon. We are working behind the scenes. Be patient.”
“You are part of the reason why we are clamoring for change in this country. I personally think given his track record and transparency; he should be given a chance.”
“Say whatever you want. I’ve told you that I’m tired of talking about Nigeria’s problems. I want to be collecting money for executing contracts. Ehhh…emilokan ke. This country belongs to all of us. After that, I will now be using floss and toothpick and be commenting on the hardship being faced in the country.”
“We can’t continue like this. Some weeks ago, I had malaria. I went to LUTH-no bed space. I realized that from Ikoyi to Ajah there’s literally no Government-owned hospital in Lagos. Private hospitals dot the landscape and how many people can afford these hospitals?”
“Come to the East. You will sing a different song concerning hospitals.”
“The entire country needs social re-engineering. We have lost our values as a nation and as a people. Look at those poor souls killed in a church. Look at the spate of kidnapping and mindless killing. ASUU has been on strike for over four months. We need to get it right and salvage what is left of this country.”
“Let me make my own money first please. We will have this conversation later.”
“They just found huge sums of money in one big man’s house. According to ICPC or EFCC-not sure which of the agencies, even 50 luxury watches. I would like to make news like this and then talk about how we can salvage this country.”
“How much can one man possibly need? 50 luxury watches … that is a lot in a country that is bedeviled with a lot of economic challenges.”
“See grammar… I hope your obituary doesn’t read- here lived a man who died from speaking too much English. We are talking about how to make our lives better, you are mixing the devil and watches together. Look, I went to London just to clear my head, allow oyibo breeze to blow my body parts before coming back to face fuel scarcity and the national-grid-is-down wahala. You don’t want that kind of life?”
“That’s why we need to vote intelligently this time around. It will be difficult to convince those who have been used to collecting rice and garri to do things differently when their stomach’s fulfilment is directly tied to the food they can see and eat immediately. Poverty makes it difficult to have intelligent conversations on who the right candidate is and why we need to get it right this time around.”
“I will soon be going home o… we need to be safe out there. The insecurity in the country is alarming.”
“Is there anything that is not alarming in this our country gan? Relax…
“Before I forget, did you hear what happened to that Senator and his wife in the London you said you went to cool your head? You’re lucky they didn’t see all the dollars you carried. Metropolitan police would have used your head for oyibo isi-ewu.”
“It is a serious matter o! They are accusing him of organ harvesting. And you know in those parts, all these do-you-know-who-I-am doesn’t count for much. They even said they found small twenty thousand pounds or was it dollars on him? That’s not even up to what delegates were given. These oyibo people need to be calming down o.”
“It is what happens when your village people decide to gather and beat drum on top your matter ni. It is a spiritual something. If you ask me they should immediately hire that lawyer that dressed in his religious attire to the Supreme court recently. All the grammar your fellow grammarians are speaking is not what is needed right now.”
“What is needed? Over-sabi won’t kill you sha.”
“I am telling you it’s a spiritual something. And that lawyer, he had that white chalk like a circle underneath only one eye. He said it was to enable him to see the spirits. This is what they need right now. All these-my Lord, the-matter-before-us won’t help oo… Awon wicked spirits that have entered London need to be flushed out immediately.”
“Leave spirits for beer parlour talk please. This is what I’m trying to tell you. Politicians that have helped to destroy the very fabric of our nation, will also be affected by the failings of the system. We need to do better.”
“Relax…Father Abraham..Let’s go to Calabar Aroma. I understand some girls of the underworld are visiting there this night. Variety is the spice of life. E no too hard like so.”
“You are the one they sent abi. You want me to go and spend money on girls instead of going home. Are you not seeing all the insecurity and wahala?”
“It’s not your type they are looking for. I’ve told you-your head is too big. It will discourage kidnappers. And you know if they call any big sum, all your friends plus even your wife will tell them to hold onto you for safe keeping. So, let’s just go and enjoy ourselves….”
Onagoruwa wrote from Lagos.