By Kole Omotoso
cbcyorkshire. Photo/cbcyorkshire
Only the good Lord protects one these days when things get tough. When I say that things are not easy, please, don’t argue with me. I know what I’m saying, I can tell you.
The other day, I was struggling with my trouser. I pleaded with myself to take it easy, allow myself to take it easy with myself. I promised myself that there is a kinder mind that takes a better look at things than we humans do, who will look after us all. What did you say then except that there we go again, those who don’t let the good God rest, always pushing our burdens on His shoulders. I said then that his shoulders are wide enough to carry our burdens. You said that one day, we will see that it will not always work out that way, you will see. We did see that day. I had other things to do. And so I went about doing them.
I had my early breakfast to eat and I set about devouring them. I began with the apple. I peeled the skin, ignoring the curse of those who impose the worse of God on us who would waste some of God’s gift by skinning the apple. The God I know is a God of kindness and goodness who will not allow our matters to come to ruin in front of God. On another day, I would eat skin and seed altogether to make up for the mistakes of the other day, if indeed it was a mistake.
After that, I lined the thin slices of the cheese on the face of the cheese rather than on the back of the cheese. I took a bite and followed the same with two grapes. After that followed a bite of the skinless apple. I watched the time because the drivers kept their eyes on their watches. If they say they are coming for you at quarter to, they will arrive at quarter to six. Biscuits, cheese, and tea and then the sweet grapes and in no time, the breakfast was over.
My right knee over my left knee, I put my right knee into my left knee and that was over. Still, with my right knee still over my left knee I took the trouser over to the left knee and that was done. Without knowing it was done.
The two billionaires were busy arguing as the judge opened his inner office, and shouted at the rich men to stop arguing in his office. Who do they think they are? What were they arguing about anyway? They were stopped by the second question than the shout. Obviously, they do not want their friend to know what the subject of their argument was. There was silence for some time. All three were silent. Finally, the judge said he would not speak if neither of them spoke. Both of them spoke at the same time. Woman. Money. Right? I was right, was I not? If it is not a woman, it was money. If not money it will be a woman. Argue that with me.
Sisi is paper thin, we like it so, Tell her Mama to tell her Papa Tell her Papa to tell her Mama The bride price arrives in the morning!! From the other corner comes the counter promotion: Our Sisi must be fat, fat as a cow baby Fat as a cow, fat as a cow baby, fat, fat as a cow Fat, fat as a cow, fat, fat as a cow, Sisi For the price to be complete Sisi.
How can three people in a room make so much noise like a hundred in a room! Shut up!! Consultation time please! Without paying attention to him, the next song was already on the lips of the singers. Money enter matter finish! No money, no matter!! Bring money, come conclude matter! Money owner come finish matter o!
On the other side of the room the song pick and it was three times the noise of the first song. Money no get father Money na this, no get mother. Na person money see Na ‘m money go tele go.
The two men got up at the same time, the fat one and slim at the same time. Where are you going? Our house. Nibo ni le ole? Don’t bother to answer him. We came to consult you.
About what?
About war. World. War. When we were in the sixth form, we were set an essay on war is hell. We wrote nonsense. Will the 0122risixth fo10rm of today do better? There was silence. War is a serious subject. Look at the war that is going on between Russia and Ukraine. There is nothing equal between the two sides. If there was, there will be no fight.
How old were you then? Twenty? Twenty-one? I don’t remember but we didn’t make sense of the topic. Anyway, let’s make a new attempt at the subject. So, the three of them deliberated on the subject. They were still as confused as the youth of their time. Bernard Shaw on war. Let’s set them the texts and let their essays be on the two books Arms and Man and Major Barbara.
No, I would wish them to write from as wide an experience as possible, not restrict themselves to two books of GB Shaw.
What prizes are the best three essays going to win? The best essay will win $20,000.00, the second-placed essay gets $10,000.00 while the third-placed essay gets $5,000.00.
I don’t like the idea of money being introduced. The best essay is the best essay and so forth. I think a value should be placed on the essays.
Ok, but why in American dollars? Let’s keep the prize local place value on the essays. That way the kids would come to appreciate what we are giving them. So, what is the exchange rate between the dollar and the naira? I don’t know.